I don't want to be a hipster anymore.
I don't want to spend hours matching my hat to my vintage rings to my flash tattoos to my boots to my Free People kimono. I don't want to spend a week's paycheck on Lush products and photograph them with my VSCO Cam app on my all-white bedding to prove I live in Southern California and have great skin. I don't want to post a sarcastic tweet every time Starbucks spells my name on my cup wrong. I don't want to meticulously coordinate all of my Instagram photos to have the same rosy Lauren Conrad tint. I don't want to curate a vinyl collection larger than the one that's been sitting in my grandparents' attic for thirty years. I don't want to spend ten minutes every day drawing on the perfect eyebrow that says "I care about Hollywood beauty standards, but not enough to use waxes that aren't animal-cruelty free." I don't want to profess a profound yearning for spirituality while refusing to commit to any moral code that requires personal accountability. I don't want to be the face of the "cultural appropriation" article on Wikipedia, and I don't want to wear any more Native American headdresses or sparkly bindis. I don't want to post an angry vlog about freeing the nipple. I don't want to go broke shopping exclusively at upscale consignment shops and farmers' markets. I DON'T WANT TO PRETEND TO LIKE NASTYGAL ANYMORE.
I dream of an America where I can be free to like things without irony. A land where men are not judged by the thickness of their beard, nor the silkiness of their man bun. I want to go grocery shopping in my Costco-brand Uggs and Pink sweatpants. I want to eat at gloriously cheap, high fructose corn syrup-saturated chain restaurants instead of bland, health conscious vegan cafes with strict Birkenstock-and-mom-jeans dress codes. I want to eat at McDonald's because maybe I don't care that everything isn't cage free or grass fed or genetically unmodified. Maybe I just want to eat at McDonald's because their chicken mcnuggets are DAMN GOOD. I want to like things that everyone else likes, like Taylor Swift and pumpkin spice lattes and trashy reality TV and Kevin James movies. I want to see bands AFTER they're already famous. I want to buy shoes from places where the proceeds don't go to charity without fear of reprobation. I want to live free of high-waisted-short-induced cameltoes. This is my dream.
Oh teens and wannabe teens of this golden nation, when can we be free of Bettie Page bangs? Of the overwhelming need to feel unique paired with the crushing pressure to fit in? When can we admit we're all pretty basic? And when will you guys all find something new to become so I can go back to being hipster?
