Chris watches The Fellowship of the Ring

I showed my boyfriend The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for the first time in his adult life. Here's what happened.


Chris: See how nervous Bilbo is around Gandalf? He's totally wanting Gandalf's staff. If you know what I'm saying.
Me: You know Ian McKellen is gay in real life.
Chris: CALLED IT.

Chris: What are they smoking here?
Me: I... I don't know. I never thought about it before.
Chris: Bilbo is totally stoned. Gandalf brought him some of that OG Shire kush. That's what's up.

Chris: See, it always annoyed me when the hobbits danced.
Me: You're such a joyless person.

Chris: Oh look, the lead singer of Aerosmith's daughter!!

Chris: Why did all you girls always have crushes on Legolas?
Me: I don't know. He was kinda sensitive, soft-spoken, light of foot. Probably a generous lover. Now that I think about he was pretty femmey.
Chris: His hair is way better than yours! You wouldn't be able to take him anywhere!

Chris: Isn't it ironic that this Solomon-
Me: Sauroman.
Chris: -guy is totally lusting after the ring cuz it would make him live longer but in real life the actor died?
Me: You're thinking of Dumbledore.

(at least 6 times during the movie)
Chris: I don't know what any of you guys are saying.

(Frodo offers Galadriel the ring and she turns into some crazy witch monster)
Chris: Well now you CAN'T have it, b****.

Chris: Merry and Pippin are the Jar Jar Binks of The Lord of the Rings.

Chris: You're telling me that orcs are supposed to be like these crazy fighters and Aragon-
Me: Aragorn.
Chris: -defeated like fifty of them by himself? This movie is crazy.

Chris: Is that a semi honking?
Me: That's the horn of Gondor!!

(Two hours after the movie)
Chris: I thought of Bilbo's gay porn name.
Me: Don't.


Have a #blessed day, everyone.